The Comeback

Well I got over my anger….mostly. I got beyond the frustration. Time has allowed the intensity of the grief to feel more manageable.

Now I set my sights on the comeback. I hate setbacks but they always bring about an excitement of the revival.

I realized in recent weeks how alive I feel when I am racing. My training and racing has taken a hit the past couple of years. Maybe its time to put more focus and energy into preparing for my 2022 race season.

This past week had, at times left me feeling defeated. I tried to remind myself that just because I was struggling didn’t mean that I was failing. But Dang it’s really hard not to feel that way! I was letting my clients down, I was letting myself down…..or was I? I don’t know…….my life was turned completely upside. It was a lot to just survive. Things happened that no one saw coming. There was no way to be prepared. I had to put my family first.

So now that things have settled a bit. Its time to readjust the sails.

Its does me no good to be angry and complain about the wind. Although there was something very healing about just being flat out pissed off for a couple of days. Not gonna lie, it felt good to just be in “Fuck it” mode for a couple of days. I’m always overthinking trying to do the right thing. It was so freeing to not give a shit if I was doing the right thing or not. And hopefully not too much damage was done to my bank account.

It does me no good to hope the wind is gonna change. Cause in this situation even if it does it’s a long way off.

So adjusting my sails is the way to win this crazy race called life. I need to adjust my expectations. Pick one or two things I can manage….we’re going for momentum here not perfection. I need to feel the wind in my sails again.

Tomorrow morning is another race day. I get to go out and run my race, be a cheerleader to other racers and be fueled by the power of gratitude.

I am grateful for all the prayers, and calls this week. I am grateful for my amazing community of friends. I am grateful doors were opened, and healing has begun. I am grateful to people who held space for us, and opened space for us! I am grateful that just this exercise of writing has reminded me that I am an overcomer, I am equipped! Its up to me to run the race with perseverance.

I will become better because the comback is always STRONGER than the setback!

Anger is a Signaling Emotion

Anger, what do I do with you? Do I run you away? After so many days of anger I am too tired to run. Do I eat you away? Well I have tried and your only gone for a short time, then you are back with a stomach ache. Do I drink you away? Oh how I really want to say yes to this. Yet I haven’t drank in 22 years and my loved ones addiction is part of the reason I am angry. So I guess this is probably not a smart choice.

So what the fuck do I do with you?!

I write…..and I remind myself that anger is a signaling emotion. What is it letting me know? Why am I angry? Largely because I am powerless. Things are affecting my life that I don’t have any way to change. I am angry because our system for getting help is so fucked up. I have spent days on the phone asking for help but there is no help. Finally I get through to someone who can help, I get an appointment. I cancel my clients to make space for this appointment and one hour before the appointment I get a call that the therapist has a sick child and can’t meet with us. WTF?! Here I sit, about ready to get in my car and go. Again, powerless. Nobody plans for a sick child.

I suppose I am grieving the loss of what I thought life would be. For me, for my loved one. Hell for this day. I have not worked in 3 days, I haven’t eaten properly. I am grieving, I am hurting.

I feel confused, overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, disappointed. These are things I can control. Or can I?

Is it appropriate to have these feelings? Yes, I think it is. How long? I can’t allow myself to feel this way forever or probably even for more than a day or two but yet I don’t really know. I have never been in this situation before.

Here’s my plan for today. I’m going to get up right now and do a couple things. Whenever I start to feel this way I will get up and do one thing, it might lead to one more thing or it might not. I can control one small thing at a time.

Anger, you and I will never be friends, I guess for today we will have to figure out a way to coexist.

Share your Shit

Share your shit, it will for sure help you and probably somebody else.

PSA: This is going to be a tirade. I am angry.  I gave myself a day to try and let the anger settle but I woke up this morning even more angry. Maybe rightly, maybe not, I just hope that somebody comes away with something valuable from this.

I’ve been very honest in my blog about my own struggles with anxiety. Most of the time I get positive feedback sometimes I don’t. I spent a whole decade trying to hide the fact that I had anxiety because I didn’t want to be judged. And oh boy in the nineties I was judged. I choose a non traditional path of treatment and everybody had an opinion about it.

Today my anger stems from the fact that people are still hiding their mess. And really I guess that’s your own personal decision if you want to but I am here to tell you that when you talk about it you do help yourself and you have a great potential to help somebody else.

Right now I’m in the mire of an a family member who struggles with her own demons and addictions. I’m completely lost and overwhelmed. Everyday I remind myself of the the saying “It’s not what happens to you but how you handle it.” Well you know what. I’ve never faced stuff like this before and I don’t know how the fuck to handle it! Is it normal that somedays I can’t stop crying? Is it OK that somedays I just want to eat everything in the house? Is it OK that even though I’ve been sober 22 years somedays I just want to down a whole bottle of wine? Is it OK to be sad for this person and angry at this person all at the same time? It’s so hard to watch her drown in chaos daily and not throw her a lifeline for the thousandth time. Do you watch this over and over again or do you look away? How much do you extend and how much do you withhold? How do you firmly but lovingly say ENOUGH! I am tired of this bullshit.

So for those of you who have been open and honest about this in your life I am abundantly grateful….. Please reach out to me I need you.

Here’s where my anger just seethes…… Some well meaning wonderful people directed me to their church’s sermon online from the previous week. Dan Seaborn from Winning at Home had spoke and shared his daughter’s very similar situation. Except you know what, he didn’t share his daughter’s situation he shared the beginning of her story and the end of her story and then literally said “I don’t want to talk about it” for the middle of the story. I know the fucking beginning of the story and and I have great hope that the end will be just like his daughter’s. I don’t give a shit about those two things I want to know the answers to above questions and more! I know everybody’s journey and story is different but I want to know some of the things that you tried, some that maybe worked (not necessarily what worked to help your child but helped you to keep your sanity in the midst of all of it) and what didn’t…….I want to know I’m not fucking alone in this shit. Probably Dan felt like church wasn’t the place to share this cause church is that prettfied place where we don’t share the real shit. I personally feel like Dan had a great platform to reach a whole bunch of people with hope and comfort. At the very least he could have said I don’t want to share this here but if you want to know more please reach out to me.

I thank you real people out there. Thank you to those who risk being judged for the possibility of helping someone else.

Sorry for the rant! But share your shit it’ll help somebody and it will help you.