Its been a year of feeling lost. A year of chaos…. of every routine I had being thrown out the window. Seven years ago I wrote out my 10 year vision and much of that had been realized but the big things were just starting to come into view when my world was turned upside down. Now I sit here wondering what does the future look like?
Some of you may have surmised and those of you who know me well are aware that a year and a half ago something tragic happened to one of our daughters and then a year ago literally just before the Grand Rapids Marathon we had to pick her up and she has been living here ever since. It’s been nothing short of a level 10 on the stress scale (for her and us). It started to chip away at me, I started to give up on life. There were some dark days that I wasn’t sure I wanted to live anymore. ( It’s really really hard to type that and even harder to post it publicly. As I’m typing this tears are streaming down my face)
In August I made a decision that I had to take back the one thing that I love, running races.
On May 1 I ran the She Runs race literally with my daughter in my headset the whole way. I wasn’t even thinking about running, I was focusing on her.
After that, every race I struggled with severe panic attacks. I spiraled into this pit, that I could see no way out of. The whole summer is a blur.
Hence late August I sat down with pen and paper and asked myself 3 questions.
1.What do I have total control over
2.What do I have some control over
3. What do I have no control over
What I learned was there is very little I have NO control over and there is very little I have TOTAL control over but there are a lot of things I have SOME control over.
Looking at the list I had “some control” over I decided to sign up for more races and focus my energy on preparing for those events.
So many days that I was just so emotionally drained I couldn’t imagine getting in my workout or running but I did it. My nutrition is far from where it should be but it’s better than it was. There’s still a fair amount of emotional eating going on. I’ve tried to mitigate that by choosing what I will allow and when I’m going to allow it.
A week ago I ran the Grand Rapids half marathon again and I am proud of myself. Top 4% of woman and top 8% overall (1st in age group). It was not my best time on this course nor was it the worst. My finish time was not a reflection of race day, it was a reflection of everything I’ve done in the months leading to this day.
Its been a really hard road to navigate and I know we definitely aren’t the only parents to have traversed this path. Resources are limited and I only get to meet other parents facing similar trials because of their vulnerability in sharing their stories with me. I have spent countless hours reading, researching, making phone calls and sending out emails. Many days to the detriment of my job. I’m so thankful to all my clients who have been so patient with me this year. And there are a few heroes out there working in the mental health world that have saved my life.
All that being said, I am proud of my performance on Sunday, but I am even more proud of the choice I made to take back some control,. I am proud of myself for putting in the work and for making time for things I can control vs being controlled by the situation and my feelings. I don’t think I can ever truly express my gratitude for the people who have consistently reached out to me this year. Who have walked with me, sat with me while I cried, let me rant, helped me process and most importantly loved me when I wasn’t very lovable.
We are going into the second year of this situation with some small improvements, but still not a lot of hope. We love our daughter more than words can express, we want to believe this will end well. Yet we have to be equipped and prepared for the real possibility that it wont end the way we hope. No matter how it ends we are doing our best. (I’ll save the rant for how I feel we’ve been failed by people that could have helped us for another day. For the record though, if we lose her again we did all we could with the resources “available” to us)
I wish I could say I am on a roll and this will continue to be my path but the struggle is far from over. If you feel like you are drowning too, I would be glad to chat, listen, encourage and share anything we have learned along the way. For now though I continue to not be reduced by this!
findingkympossible 