Becoming Kympossible: Full Moon

All of life and nature is a interesting balance of light and dark, good and bad, joy and sorrow. Everything is a rhythm or a pattern. Seasons have a pattern, music has a pattern, our bodies systems are all on a pattern, a rhythm.

As I was sitting outside a few months ago looking at the full moon it occurred to me that the moon is only full for one night and then it begins the cycle of waning (getting smaller), until it starts waxing (getting bigger) until it is full for a glorious 24 hours and then it starts to shrink again.

This is life. I am always going from full moon to full moon. I am never a full moon for eternity. The light gets less, darkness get greater, but only for a period. It too does not stay for an eternity.

Darkness can inspire light and light can inspire darkness, its just a difference of distance of two contrasting forces. Michael Bassey Johnson.

The past few weeks have been a very mixed bag of triumps and challenges. The bulk of my life is filled with wonderful relationships, meaningful work and projects and things that bring me joy. In the waning phase I am sometimes impatient for the waxing phase. But that darkness does inspire the light. It shines light on my purpose, it makes my passion for my mission burn hotter.

Too often I feel unworthy, without even noticing I label myself undeserving. Because in the getting smaller phase I start to fear the darkness. I forget that its just the rhythm of nature and all of life.

Recently having coffee with a friend, she was telling me all the things she loves about me. Then she says, “what do you like about yourself? Have you ever made a list of the things you like about yourself?”

🤔 A list? Well no (probably a running list of my flaws 😆)… I do however actually like myself and could name several things about myself I like.

The short list.

1. I love people. I love hearing their stories. I love learning their histories and what makes them tick and what prompted the growth in their lives. I love learning from other peoples experiences. I love helping people

2. I am fairly determined and goal oriented. In life and racing.

1st Female Reeds Lake Duathlon Age 57

3. I love to read and learn. I am always reading two books at a time. In the morning I read a thinking book and before bed a lighter read (which is usually a historical fiction or memoir)

I’m incredibly passionate about people’s emotional well being. Helping people find balance, their rhythm, their pattern. I am an ambassador for an organization called Still I Run. I love the arrow on the logo. It reminds me that to shoot an arrow to its target you have to pull back before it releases forward. Keep your eye on the target but know that sometimes you might be feeling pulled backwards all while focusing on that target. The moon is getting smaller but its cycling towards its full day. The bow is pulling the arrow back so it can fly successfully to its target.

What is on your list?

Becoming Kympossible will require seasons of suffering, times of waning. Pain and pleasure are both essential. Robert Kull, who lived alone on an island in Patagonia for a year in 2001 wrote “Suffering is such a deep part of living, that if we try to avoid it we end up avoiding life entirely”

Lean into the seasons of life. Find as much joy in the fullness and in the wanting.

Becoming Kympossible: Sadness to Gladness

It’s Easter morning. A day that is filled with new hope and here, where I am, it is a beautiful sunny morning. It’s been a really tough morning for me, a morning of unraveling some painful feelings and reknitting a feeling of hope. Today’s blog post is just a re writing of a couple of entries from my journal this past week. It’s just a spilling out of feelings I processed.

Today as I’m finishing up Susan Cain’s Bitter-Sweet I’m prompted to ask myself what am I longing for? The answer today, would be companionship without drama. I long for the type of companionship that is like a steady flowing stream. It rolls over the rocks gently, I’m not asking for a life without rocks, just that they are not rising up to smack me hard every day. That the river flows in harmony. Flowing together to the same destination. Enjoying the view on the river banks together, occasionally rounding a bend in the landscape.

What is my part in making this happen? Two things I long for, stability and peace. Two things I did not have growing up. How do I need to change to bring this longing to my life? Turn this pain into beauty? This longing to belonging?

The ache I can’t get rid of is aloneness. Aloneness not loneliness. I am not lonely, I am alone. I desire connection. A person who has faith in me. Shares in my longing to help the less fortunate, they are excited to see my visions come to life, they believe in me and my purpose. They are excited with me, and I with them as opportunities rise up.

I will try to reframe my sadness into gladness, my pain into beauty, my longing into belonging.

Not sad to be alone – Glad for friends across the world

Pain of aloneness – Beauty of quiet time

My longing – I belong to God

I look outside with awe and wonder at the blue blue blue skies, I hear birds (little tiny feathered animals how cool!) Singing loudly, the grass has turned from brown to emerald green and the golden sunlight dances over it. Though my heart aches my senses are filled with a bounty of blessings

I will seek to live with joy. I will seek to live with gratitude. There is no room for sadness in a heart filled with joy and gratitude. Move on out sadness! Here cometh joy! Happy Easter to any Christians’ reading this

Becoming Kympossible: Is A Dicovery Process

I missed writing last week and there was so much to say. My mom had sugery, I had to do so many hard things! I feel proud of myself for doing them.

I last wrote about the horrible panic attack I had trying to get to the luncheon I was looking forward to. Sixteen dang minute drive and I was paralyzed. Yet the rest of the week I drove all over, thirty plus minute drives. Hopsitals make me really anxious, they are like a maze of narrow hallways, and now I have to be in this useless face diaper, yet I think it went pretty well. One nurse (Diane….you are not a nice lady!) made me cry, but everyone else was AMAZING! The last time my mom had surgery she didn’t wake up from a coma for 10 days and didn’t leave the hospital for 40, so when she wasn’t out right after recovery my anxiety started going to the roof. I managed it pretty well! I really feel proud of myself for all that.

Last weekend I ran a race at a nearby park that in the previous year I couldn’t drive myself to alone. So grateful to the wonderful people who came alongside me and rode with me and stayed at the park with me for those races, but this one I did it without hardly a hint of anxiety. 1st female felt good. It was not a victory won alone, each and every person who’s been there for me the last couple of years was on that podium with me.

Then the week started with an appointment that brought up some anger in me. So much anger, so much resentment. Ugh! So much lonliness, not being alone, but the abscence of a meaningful connection with a partner, my person. I probably feel the most frustration about this because it’s the thing I have no control over. I’ve lived alone for 13 of the last 16 years. It’s a wonderful life, my home is so me, a lovely little sanctuary, I have the best friend group in the world, spending time alone is such a oasis for me. So there was that, discovering that I miss companionship.

About that companionship though 🤔 I have discovered that I prefer to spend time with sunshiney, warm people. At least in my intimate time heavy relationships. I am goal oriented, love a challenge, and love people. Those people who are more cautious, analytical, and more melancholy are our balance…..right? They are the creative ones, the reflective ones who show us the beauty of life. When I took Susan Cain’s Bitter-Sweet Quiz I fell smack dab in the middle. I’m as much sanguine as I am melancholy. So why do I feel so sucked into a darkness when I spend excessive time with the less cheery people? I want to be the author of my feelings, I don’t want them to be dictated by someone else’s mood. I watch other women who are married to cantankerous men and they still have this effervescent joy. That’s what I want to strive for!

Maybe I will have to live alone for the rest of my life, maybe I won’t. Whatever the case I should learn to live without others moods changing mine. This will be a HUGE challenge. I think in part because as a kid I was conditioned to be very aware of my parents mood. 57 years of reading another person’s mood to adjust my life is going to be hard to undo. Did I just say a few paragraphs ago that I love a challenge 😳😬 Eek! Lets give it a try.